The Truth

It’s halfway through week two.  The fear is starting to set in.  Who will I be without the extra weight to keep me hidden from the world?  Who will I be?  What will I think about?  Now when people reject me, I won’t be able to blame it on my weight. 

Each layer of fat that I have put on my body held a purpose.  Mainly it was a shield.  I grew up in an abusive environment.  Mental illness had crept into my family and we suffered from the unknown of it.  I layered on the fat as a means of protection.  I couldn’t be hurt if I was “big”.  The mental illness of this person attacked every part of who I was.  My physical appearance was constantly berated.  I was told how ugly and fat I was.  At six years old I had been called fat more times than I could count.  My intelligence and character were also attacked in the process.  By the time I was a teenager, the person was removed from my life, but by then I was full of rage for anyone and everyone.  I was angry at the injustice of the world.  I was angry at God for not protecting me.  I was angry.  So, I soothed my pain with ice cream that couldn’t judge me. 

My childhood provided me with constant feelings of inadequacy.  I was never good enough for anything.  I wasn’t good enough to be loved.  I couldn’t love myself.  However, I could “protect” myself.  I layered on fat so that I could be hidden inside a body.  I could hide from the world under this mask of fat.  There in my hiding place no one could tell me how dumb I was or that I would never amount to anything.  All they would point out is “fat”.  I silently agreed with them.  As long as “fat” was all that the world would call me, I would allow it.   As long as I wasn’t reminded of any of the other traits about myself that I hated, I would concede to being called “fat”. 

I am 32 years old and I still struggle daily to overcome the demons of my past.  Most people who know me would be surprised to learn how truly insecure I really am.  I hide it pretty well for the most part.  Yet, I live in constant fear of two of my darkest secrets in life ever being told.   The first secret is my childhood.  I don’t want sympathy for it.  I want people to see me as a survivor not a victim.  I hate that word…victim.  Yet, if I am being totally honest with myself, I allowed myself to become a victim.  The abuse has been out of my life for 21 years and I still carry the words that were spoken with me every day.  I utter the words like “failure”, “disappointment”, “fat” in my head.   I want to be free from this fear.  I want to be free from carrying on the abuser’s mission.  I want to wash my hands of being that person’s victim. 

The other secret I fear is for people to know how much I weigh.  There is so much truth in that number.  Truth about bad choices.  Truth about not taking care of myself.  I am 330 pounds.  That is the truth.  I can’t deny it anymore.  It’s out there for everyone to see.  I just hope the world looks quickly because it won’t be that way for long!

I needed to come clean.  I have to be released from chains that held me captive to beliefs that were not truths.  Fat or not, there is nothing wrong with me.  I am strong.  I am capable.  And I am living a better life than I had ever believed possible. 

Thank you all for the constant support!!  I carry your words with me when I need strength.  I love you!

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10 Comments »

  1. Kim Hammon Said:

    You are the bravest person I know! To be as honest as you have is a true inspiration to anyone struggling with anything! You have my 100% support!!! You go gilr!

    • Thanks Kim!! I need all the support I can get. But to be honest, you are my CoF BFF, so I kind of expected you to be supportive!!!

  2. Lanaii Benne Said:

    You go, girl! You can do it because you WANT to, and you know if you slack off, we’ll kick your butt! You’re a beautiful person, inside and out – we just get to watch you become the person you’ve wanted to be for so long. No more hiding it, sister! Make us proud!

    • Thanks Lanaii!! I will NOT disappoint!! And I expect a good butt kicking when I need it! But, use it sparingly…I’m still bigger than you!!!!

  3. Lori Jarosz Said:

    Has anyone ever told you that “you are a true blessing”, well I am telling you. It is hard to be honest and true to yourself alot of times but you did that and it amazes me. Your story has inspired me to get off my lazt bum and exercise more and eat less. You are going to succeed at this and I am behind you 100% all the way! You are a PHENOMENAL WOMEN!!!!!

    • Thanks so much Lori! You can do it!!! It’s a battle…but we both are strong enough to do this!!!

  4. Tracey Poteete Said:

    I wanted to say that I am proud of you for what you are doing and I wish you all the best in your journey to lose the weight! You are an inspiration to a lot of people out there now. Keep your head held high and always remember GOD loves ya no matter what. Putting those demons to rest is a testament to your strength and determination. So, keep up the good work and again – So proud of you! –Tracey Poteete

    • Thanks so much Tracey!! My faith in God is 100% of what is getting me through this. I am so blessed in so many ways. Thanks for the encouragement!!!

  5. Laura Stuto Said:

    Jen I love getting on here and reading your stories. It’s amazing how much we hold things in and that letting them out is such an important part of the journey. I’m looking forward to reading more and seeing your progress. If I can give you any advice at all it’s always look forward and not behind you. I had moments where I felt it wasn’t worth it because the final number on the scale seemed so far away but when you stick to the program and do what you need to do. You will end up getting there before you know it, and you will be that new person for the rest of your life!! Keep up the good work Jen!!

  6. Jennifer, this is Cindy Browning…I am one of the challengers. I just had to tell you how excited that I am for you! You are looking so so great! I am so proud of you! Yay!!! Keep on with these new healthy habits. You have inspired me!


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