Tears and Kisses

I had a meltdown last night about Joie.  I wept.  And wept.  And wept.  I made myself listen to Anything But Mine.  Big mistake.  I wept again.  Then I made Tony listen to it.  And he wept.  We sat on the floor together, weeping.  My little Princess walked in.  She looked at me and looked at my hand that I had just wiped my tears with.  She stood in front of me.  And just looked.  I’m not sure what the look was.  It almost felt like she was saying “really?  Are we going to do this again?? Really??”  She sat down in front of me. 

She pants now, a lot more than she used to.  The lumps in her neck are pushing on her windpipe.  The vet assured me that the cancer won’t suffocate her.  I can hear her struggling to breathe at times.  She snores at night.  The vet said she will adjust.  It’s moments like these that I am amazed at her strength and resilience. 

So, there we were.  The two weeping willows and the irritated dog.  She was wagging her tail though.  She always does that when I look at her.  When I say “Joie” it wags a little bit faster. 

Looking at her big brown eyes made the tears flow again.  She is such a pretty girl.  How can I get through any day without looking at that face??  My heart hurt instantly.  It ached.  I was overwhelmed with sadness, anger, frustration, grief and fear all at once. 

And then, in her usual tender way she leaned in to kiss me.  This time though, she kissed my nose and wiped the first tear.  She licked my cheek over and over again.  She licked my hand where I had tried to hide my tears.  She sat back, smiling.  Panting.  And tail wagging.  That’s my girl. 

We picked up another prescription for her tonight.  This one is suppose to slow the cancer.  I gave her the first pill praying that it would destroy the cancer. 

If ever someone deserved a miracle, it is Joie.

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