The Next Day

I hasn’t gotten any easier yet.  Did I really expect that it would?  I guess I kind of “hoped” it would. 

Tony and I came home and watched the videos of a happier Joie.  We watched her running and playing at the beach.  We watched her being “interviewed” for my Get Fit Challenge.  We watched her just being “Doie”…which was her name in our family. 

We came home last night.  Kash was at the door waiting for us.  He was looking for Joie.  I think the deafening silence in the house is weighing on him too.  We went from chaos to silence.  How does anyone live like this?? 

It had been a couple days since Joie has met me at the door.  She used to get so excited whenever I would come home.  Her little tail would shake so fast and hard I don’t know how it stayed attached!!  As soon as I would walk in the door, she would run to find me a toy.  She did this every time I walked in the door, even if I had only stepped outside for a minute.  She would run to the door, I would open it and say “Hi Baby Girl” and she would frantically start looking for a toy for me.  I would say “hurry up, get me a toy” and she would walk back with one dangling from her mouth.  It was my “God-I’ve-Missed-You-Welcome-Home” gift!!!! I would try to take the toy from her and she would run away with it.  I’d say “gimme that toy” and she would just stand there starring at me with a huge smile on her face. 

She loved the sound of my voice.  I could say anything to her and she would think it was brilliant.  I could ramble about nothing and she would listen as if I was the most fascinating person in the world.

Jo-jo had this low growl whenever ever something moved that she believed was too close to where ever I was.  She didn’t like anything, especially strangers, getting to close to me. 

There are so many things I want to remember about her.  The look in her eyes.  The smile on her face.  The softness of her fur, especially her ears. 

I miss her so much.  I just miss her.  I know she isn’t feeling any pain anymore.  I know that she did not want to me to see her like that.  Even though she was in pain, she was worried about me.  She wanted to know that I would be okay.  In fact, as we were waiting for the doctor to come in, I was lying on the floor with Joie facing her.  Tony was sitting behind her rubbing her back.  At one point she started to get up to face Tony.  Tony said to her “baby girl, I promise I will take good care of your mom”.  With that she layed back down facing me. 

I look forward to the day that this pain won’t be so intense.  I look forward to the day when I accept that she isn’t going to greet me at the door.  I don’t know that I will ever like the silence in my house. 

My life was changed by Joie.  She changed me.  I never knew love like that.  I just pray that she knows how much she was loved every day of her life. 

I miss you so much Baby Girl.

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