It’s Been A Week

It’s 7:09 p.m. on Friday.  One week since Tony and I said good-bye to Joie.  One week officially…almost to the minute.

It’s been a weird week.  Our house is eerily quiet.  Our lives have slowed a bit.  We have one dog now that gets more attention that he knows what to do with.

I’ve been keeping some secrets though.  The secret I am keeping is that I still have the kleenex from our visit to the vet last week in my coat pocket.  I used it to wipe away my tears, but when I reach in my pocket it takes me back to a moment that I was still with Joie.  Although not the most pleasant moment of our time together, it was a moment we were both part of.  Reaching into my pocket and feeling the kleenex has comforted me.  So, I keep it there. 

I noticed today that the kleenex is starting to wither a little bit.  I instantly got frightened.  What if it starts to fall apart?  Then what will I hold on to when I want to remember my girl.

I’m so afraid that I will forget her.  I don’t know why.  It seems so illogical and ridiculous.  I know I will never forget her, but I am desperate to hang on to any morsel that helps me still feel attached to her.  In reality, my heart is still attached to her.  I can go there any time I want to remember her.  Any time I want to laugh about.

I miss the feel of her fur.  She had the softest fur.  I used to sit for hours and just rub her ears.  They were so soft!  It was relaxing for both of us. 

Another secret, I still haven’t been in my basement yet.  That’s where Kash led me to Joie.  She was in the basement in the laundry room.  I can’t go down there.  I want to.  My couch, the most comfortable couch in the world is down there, and I would love to go down there to watch a movie.  I still can’t do it.  I’m not ready.

Last night, Tony asked me if he could throw away her prescription bottles.  I told him no.  I don’t know why.  Do I think that she is coming back?  I know I am hoping.  I’m just not ready to throw away anything that reminds me of her.  I guess I am afraid that symbolically it’s like throwing her away.  I don’t want to be without anything that will remind me of her.  Her bowls are still in the same spot, her collar is in the closet, her leash is too.  I’m not getting rid of any of it. 

I heard her breathing the other day.  I know it was my imagination, but I muted the television to see if I could hear it more clearly.  I did briefly.  But, then it was gone. 

I was in the car the next day with Tony and I swore I smelled her breath.  Towards the end of her life, her breath had a very distinct, unpleasant smell.   I know it wasn’t Tony I was smelling or his car for that matter.  It was like a wave of the scent washed over me and then was gone.  And even as terrible as the smell was, I still missed it. 

Everyone has moved on with their lives.  They offered their condolences and then moved on.  I can’t move on.  I’m stuck.  I’m waiting for her to come bouncing through the door with a toy in her mouth excited as always to see me. 

I keep waiting….and waiting….and….waiting….

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