Archive for March, 2011

Six Weeks and Six Days

That’s how long it has been since I said goodbye to my best friend.  I miss her so much.  It literally feels like someone has kicked me in the stomach when I think about never being able to see her again.  I think I actually almost believe that she is just at a kennel somewhere and I am going to go get her soon.  But then.  But then when I start to really think about where she is and how I never will see her again…that sick feeling comes back all over again. 

I have videos on my camera that I love to watch.  I am scared to death that I am going to lose them though.  I’m not all that technological, nor that lucky…therefore…I have a strong suspicion that I am moments away from a disaster. 

I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about how I really feel…which is probably why I am blogging more than ever.  I almost feel silly for bringing it up to anyone.   I don’t think anyone fully comprehends the bond that Joie and I had.  (Wow…even typing the word “had” was painful!)  I don’t think anyone knows how lost and broken I feel without her.  I feel like part of me is missing.  Like I am living in a fog.  To some, she was just a “dog”.  To me, she was so much more than that. 

How I would give anything to take her for a walk right now.  I actually feel guilty when I take Kash for a walk because I didn’t walk Joie as much as I should have. 

The irony is that Joie never wanted me to be sad.  She would lick my tears anytime I cried.  She had this very solemn look on her face that said “come on!! Pull it together!!”  What I wouldn’t give to look into those eyes right now. 

Joie had a deep, beautiful soul.  I don’t care what anyone says, dogs have souls.  They have to in order to be able to give that much love unconditionally. 

Tomorrow, it will be seven weeks.  Seven weeks that I have carried this heartache.  I don’t know what to do to feel better.  She was a consistant part of my life for six years.  It was me and her.  Then it was me and her and Tony.  Then it was me and her and Tony and Kash.  Then it was me and Joie and Tony and Kash and Layla.  The family that was mine is broken.  It will never be like that I again.  I used to tell Tony when he would get annoyed with the dogs that one day our family wouldn’t be the way it is now, and he was going to miss it.  I was more talking to myself though. 

Tony seems to be handling everything pretty well.  Me?  Not all.  Not. Even. Kind of.  I’m lost inside.  Lonely.  Broken.  I miss my baby girl.  I miss having her greet me at the door.  I miss how her tail would wag so hard I wonder how it stayed attached.  I miss her more than I know how to express.

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I miss Joie. Got an email today from 1800Petmeds for “new items Joie might like”. I started to go to the website to remove myself from the list. At the bottom of the page it gave me the choice to “remove deceased pet”. It made my heart hurt to think about “removing” Joie. Removing? Why does that bother me so much? Probably because I still haven’t “removed” her bowls, her leash, or her toys.  Can’t 1800PetMeds come up with a different phrase that “remove deceased pet?”  Maybe it’s just me.  

I asked Tony the other day if it would be weird to use her bowls as my own. He said yes. I disagree. I washed them, so it’s no different than using a dish that I let her eat off of!!   I know it’s weird…and I am not doing it…but I am just aching for something that still makes me feel attached to her physically.

I miss her so much.  I can’t believe she is really gone still.  I can’t believe that I will never do high tens with her again.  I can’t believe I will never see her sweet face again.  I can’t believe I won’t feel the softness of her fur again.  I keep waiting for the day that I don’t feel like I have been punched in the stomach every time I start thinking about her. 

As upsetting as it is to get emails from 1800Petmeds about Joie, it’s more upsetting to think about “removing” her.

A Radio Message

I miss Joie.  A lot. 

I was in the truck with Tony tonight and missed her like crazy.  Tony was driving, and I was riding shotgun.  The radio was off and I was telling Tony that I couldn’t feel her around me the way that I felt others around me that have passed.  I never felt like she was with me.  Tony said “she never left you”.  I was starring out the window just feeling sorry for myself and missing my little girl.  I started to look back at Tony and my eyes caught the screen on my radio.  I watched the words scroll acrossed in disbelief.  The song playing on the radio was “Anything But Mine”…which of course is my song with Joie.  I said “no way!!” and turned the radio up.  I couldn’t believe it.  Our song was on.  At that moment.  I hadn’t heard that song played on the radio in at least four years, but at the very moment that I was talking about not being able to feel Joie with me, she made it known that she was with me.  Tony is right, she never left me. 

I miss you baby girl.  Thanks for letting me know that you are still with me…and still wouldn’t be Anything But Mine!!!!