Six Weeks and Six Days

That’s how long it has been since I said goodbye to my best friend.  I miss her so much.  It literally feels like someone has kicked me in the stomach when I think about never being able to see her again.  I think I actually almost believe that she is just at a kennel somewhere and I am going to go get her soon.  But then.  But then when I start to really think about where she is and how I never will see her again…that sick feeling comes back all over again. 

I have videos on my camera that I love to watch.  I am scared to death that I am going to lose them though.  I’m not all that technological, nor that lucky…therefore…I have a strong suspicion that I am moments away from a disaster. 

I feel like I can’t talk to anyone about how I really feel…which is probably why I am blogging more than ever.  I almost feel silly for bringing it up to anyone.   I don’t think anyone fully comprehends the bond that Joie and I had.  (Wow…even typing the word “had” was painful!)  I don’t think anyone knows how lost and broken I feel without her.  I feel like part of me is missing.  Like I am living in a fog.  To some, she was just a “dog”.  To me, she was so much more than that. 

How I would give anything to take her for a walk right now.  I actually feel guilty when I take Kash for a walk because I didn’t walk Joie as much as I should have. 

The irony is that Joie never wanted me to be sad.  She would lick my tears anytime I cried.  She had this very solemn look on her face that said “come on!! Pull it together!!”  What I wouldn’t give to look into those eyes right now. 

Joie had a deep, beautiful soul.  I don’t care what anyone says, dogs have souls.  They have to in order to be able to give that much love unconditionally. 

Tomorrow, it will be seven weeks.  Seven weeks that I have carried this heartache.  I don’t know what to do to feel better.  She was a consistant part of my life for six years.  It was me and her.  Then it was me and her and Tony.  Then it was me and her and Tony and Kash.  Then it was me and Joie and Tony and Kash and Layla.  The family that was mine is broken.  It will never be like that I again.  I used to tell Tony when he would get annoyed with the dogs that one day our family wouldn’t be the way it is now, and he was going to miss it.  I was more talking to myself though. 

Tony seems to be handling everything pretty well.  Me?  Not all.  Not. Even. Kind of.  I’m lost inside.  Lonely.  Broken.  I miss my baby girl.  I miss having her greet me at the door.  I miss how her tail would wag so hard I wonder how it stayed attached.  I miss her more than I know how to express.

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