Archive for August, 2011

I miss you…

I miss you so much.  I haven’t stopped thinking about you.  I wish you were here with me to lick my tears…to look at me with those big eyes that were so full of love and acceptance for me.  I miss your unconditional love. 

I am sorry that we didn’t get more time together.  I hope you know that every day of your short life, I loved you so very, very much.  I still do.  My heart breaks that you aren’t here with me.  It hurts…deeply…painfully…. beyond the explanation of words and beyond the comprehension of anyone who didn’t have the pleasure of knowing you.  You had the soul of an angel.  You radiated love.  I want to remember every minute of the time we had together.  I want to cling to the moments that you made me feel like I was the greatest thing in the world.   I need that more than ever now.  I need that in ways I can’t verbalize.  With you, I didn’t have to verbalize.  You just knew.  You knew me.  You knew when I needed you to cuddle with me.  You knew when I needed to reminded that I am great.  I don’t have that anymore.  I feel lost without it. 

 I just wanted you to know that you are still missed.  I talk to you all the time.  I don’t know if you hear me, but it’s the same sentiment all the time, “I miss you, baby girl.”

I really, really do.  I miss you so much. 

No one quite understands my sadness.  I know that others miss you…but not like I do.  You were my best friend.  My supporter.  My cheerleader.  My angel. 

 

I don’t know if anyone will ever understand the amount of guilt I carry about losing you.  Should I have done more?  Should I have walked you more?  Not let you have so many treats?  Is it my fault that the stupid cancer found you?  Should I have put you through chemo treatments?  I don’t think so.  I think you would have spent the last months of your life being miserable, and I never wanted that for you.  I wanted you to be happy…which is what led to the extra treats.  Chemo would have made you miserable, and I really, truly thought it would be selfish to put you through that.  I truly did.  I would be buying a couple of months more with you…but it wouldn’t have been you that was there.  You were loving, excited, funny…the chemo would have made you tired and sick.  I didn’t want that.  I wanted you to live out your days being free.  Not knowing that there was a real problem.  I wanted to spend time loving you…cuddling with you…not running to the doctor for you to get an endless amount of shots and medication.

 I am so lost right now.  I am lost without you.  I miss the unconditional love. I miss coming home to a very excited little girl!  I miss you.  Everything about you.  I just miss it…and my heart is aching. 

 My life has changed so much in the last year.  I am struggling with every bit of it.  This is when you would swoop in, do something extremely cute and funny to make me forget about how much life sucks right now. 

 I would give anything to have you back.  Anything.

I love you and miss you so much!

Advertisements