Archive for January, 2012

I Want To Remember That….Forever

It’s odd that a dream wakes me up.  It’s even more rare that one wakes me up and makes me burst into tears.

I dreamt I was hugging Joie…and she was hugging me back.  She had her little paws sitting on my shoulders as she gave me a “puppy hug”.   And I said to her….”I am so glad your spirit has never left me”.  It was like getting a message from her.   She is with me.  I miss her so much.  So much.

We are quickly approaching ayear that I have had to suffer without her.  It’s been painful.  I have felt lost.  Sad.  Angry.  Most off all, I feel a heartbreaking emptiness.  And she reminded me tonight…she is always with me.  She is in my heart forever.

I miss you so much baby girl!!

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The Bad, The Ugly and The Uglier

That’s my life 40 hours a week.  Sometimes more.  Sometimes less.  However, I spend a majority of my time reading about, listening to, and trying to understand the ugliness of the world.  The one lesson I have learned with certainty is that the ugliness is everywhere…even if you can’t see it.

As a 911 dispatcher, I have taken my share of calls.  I have heard the concerned voice of a spouse who believes her husband has had a stroke.  I have talked to the mother whose baby is in the middle of a seizure.  I have listened to arguements between a boyfried and girlfriend and the hateful ways people talk to each other.  My job is to deal with evil.  I deal with it every day.  Once in a while though, I need a place to forget about the evil.  I need a place that doesn’t remind of me the potential dangers that are lurking around every corner.  I need a place to go where I know that my family is safe, my friends are not in danger and that no one I love will be hurt.  I am quickly learning that no such place exists. 

I can see how people become cold and scorned in this job.  The pay could not compare to the emotional effect the job can take.  The stress of being yelled at.  The urgency of wanting to help.  The fear that I can hear in the voices of those on the other end of the phone as we wait together for help to arrive. 

Tonight, it was something different.  Every now and then, there is a moment at work where I start to think I may not be cut out for this job.  Tonight…I looked into the eyes of a mother who was helplessly searching for her missing child.  I saw the pain.  The fear.  The concern.  I saw his short life passing through her eyes.  I saw a sadness that I never knew existed.  I saw the love of a mother for her missing child.  I felt her pain.  Not anywhere near as deeply as she felt it, but I felt it.  I felt the urgency of wanting answers.  I was trying to think of any road she had traveled in her quest to find him.  I thought about this child, lost in a big dangerous city surrounded by evils that he knows nothing about.  I found myself begging God to bring this child back to his mother. 

Tonight is a night I wish I could forget….but I know I never will.